I hate Wesley Crusher.
Wesley Crusher might just be my least-favorite science fiction character
of all time, which is a tough contest these days with pieces of work
like Jar-Jar Binks running around. The only thing he seems really good
at, aside from EVERYTHING, apparently, is drawing my ire. There are a
plethora of reasons why he tops my list of worst science fiction
character of all time, plus a heaping helping of general, irrational
hatred, which they say is a dish best served cold. Or was that revenge?
Anyway, the main reason I hate him is fairly simple, and does not apply to just The Next Generation. I hate the idea of whiz-kid characters in science fiction. I don't care if your IQ is over nine thousand, if you're fifteen years old, there is no way you're going to be let into a military. When he's first introduced to the USS Enterprise-D, the first thing he does is sit in the Captain's chair and starts playing with stuff. Of course, his IQ is over nine thousand, and he knows the function of every single console, every display, so the obvious course of action is to let him fly the thing, right? I mean, I knew what every gauge, knob, and button on a car's dashboard was ten years before Wesley first set foot aboard the Enterprise, so by that logic I should have been able to get my license during Voyager's first season. The first season of The Next Generation mostly consists of him solving problems that none of the senior staff or crew, not even Data the ANDROID, can seem to wrap their heads around. Maybe the space used for "multiple techniques" took up the space that Data could have used to analyze sensor readings in the bottom right-hand corner of the window that Wesley only has to glance at to solve the problem and save the day.
When he wasn't saving the day, Wesley Crusher was also exceptionally good at almost fucking everything up. By the third episode, he's getting polywater-drunk and proceeds to take over Engineering with a Lincoln Log tractor-beam emitter so he can have a stage to be like, "o hai guise let me be captin", letting some fat Asian dude take apart the navigational computer while he broadcasts dirty limericks over the 1MC in Picard's voice. Of course, he saved the day then, too, so let's go over a few episodes and mention how he forces Picard to violate the Prime Directive (which, admittedly, is probably the most broken-law in Starfleet) to save his obnoxious ass from getting executed at the hands of the Edo for touching their plants. He gets the wondrous power of being able to be taken seriously by William Q. Riker, but decides to turn that down too, feeling it would be much better to take the entire course of The Next Generation to do so and fail. He's at it again to start off Season Three, making nanites that become sentient, and as we all know anything that becomes sentient is automatically angry, so they start to destroy the ship. I could write an episode of The Next Generation using that formula. It's part of my plan to make millions. He also does pretty well to fuck his Starfleet career up, including not reporting to Starfleet Academy at all, which Picard glosses over by giving him a field promotion to Ensign. . . at the same age most enlisted crewmembers would still be polishing their boots.
Let's rewind a little and talk about that. He meets The Traveler, who almost was Data and is now an attorney, but in canon was this mysterious Tau Alphan who gets sick by catapulting the Enterprise millions of light years away. Wesley, of course, is the only one who notices and also manages to decipher inhumanely complex warp equations to deduce that time and space are all one thing, or something like that. He doesn't even actually do anything to really "help" the Enterprise return to the right galaxy, just gets misty-eyed and understands things that no sixteen-year-old should. But of course that makes him like a Mozart of time and space and social ineptitude, so Picard makes him an "Acting Ensign", allowing him to fly the Federation flagship and have access to more ridiculous sweaters.
Going back to his ability to save the day at a moment's notice, Ensign Crusher meets Ensign Ashley Judd, who distinguished herself by befriending a tricorder and was probably at least five years older than Wesley. She also managed to somewhat save the ship without Wesley's help, although at least Geordi LaForge showed more technical aptitude than she did in that episode. But with her 103 of 102 laws to live by, Wesley and Wesley managed to team up and save the ship. . .from a mind-controlling video game! And then she was gone.
I should also mention that Wesley had by that point decided to demote himself and instead of, you know, continuing his career as a Starfleet officer, he was going to go to Starfleet Academy anyway, even though HE WAS A STARFLEET OFFICER! I thought that was how field commissions worked. Since he didn't report to the Academy the first time, Picard made him a real Ensign, denying him access to his sweaters and putting him in something more normal. I wonder if the Academy was pissed that he didn't report to them the first time. Maybe he saved the day at the Academy and they were so impressed they made him a. . .cadet. Hope the pay cut was worth it, Wes.
Some sort of sorcery was going on concerning Wesley and Starfleet Academy, because one year after he reported there, he was a member of the most elite flight squadron in the Academy and was about to graduate. This time, it was his ability to fuck everything up that won out, because he followed Tom Paris. . .er, Nicholas Locarno off a cliff and got one of his friends killed. That poor tricorder. He proceeds to train-wreck his way through that inquiry, before Picard gives him the second verse of his eponymous debut single. The Academy starts to hate Wesley Crusher too, revoking a years' worth of academic credits, which for Wesley was (should have been) ALL THE CREDITS. Actually, by that episode, everyone hated Wesley Crusher, including Wesley Crusher.
I will concede that by this point, Wesley had started to become more of a real character. He became the first person in Starfleet history to give up Starfleet after seeing dead people. . . er, getting a vision from the Traveler. He and the Traveler then went off and started Crusher and Traveler, LLC, a law firm in fluidic space, where he does have the time and inclination to explain himself to you.
Another reedeming factor to Wesley Crusher in my eyes is the fact that Wil Wheaton hates Wesley Crusher, citing most of the reasons I just cited with less rabid eloquence. And they treated him like shit.
I think that'll do it for today's rant. I hope you enjoy.
Anyway, the main reason I hate him is fairly simple, and does not apply to just The Next Generation. I hate the idea of whiz-kid characters in science fiction. I don't care if your IQ is over nine thousand, if you're fifteen years old, there is no way you're going to be let into a military. When he's first introduced to the USS Enterprise-D, the first thing he does is sit in the Captain's chair and starts playing with stuff. Of course, his IQ is over nine thousand, and he knows the function of every single console, every display, so the obvious course of action is to let him fly the thing, right? I mean, I knew what every gauge, knob, and button on a car's dashboard was ten years before Wesley first set foot aboard the Enterprise, so by that logic I should have been able to get my license during Voyager's first season. The first season of The Next Generation mostly consists of him solving problems that none of the senior staff or crew, not even Data the ANDROID, can seem to wrap their heads around. Maybe the space used for "multiple techniques" took up the space that Data could have used to analyze sensor readings in the bottom right-hand corner of the window that Wesley only has to glance at to solve the problem and save the day.
When he wasn't saving the day, Wesley Crusher was also exceptionally good at almost fucking everything up. By the third episode, he's getting polywater-drunk and proceeds to take over Engineering with a Lincoln Log tractor-beam emitter so he can have a stage to be like, "o hai guise let me be captin", letting some fat Asian dude take apart the navigational computer while he broadcasts dirty limericks over the 1MC in Picard's voice. Of course, he saved the day then, too, so let's go over a few episodes and mention how he forces Picard to violate the Prime Directive (which, admittedly, is probably the most broken-law in Starfleet) to save his obnoxious ass from getting executed at the hands of the Edo for touching their plants. He gets the wondrous power of being able to be taken seriously by William Q. Riker, but decides to turn that down too, feeling it would be much better to take the entire course of The Next Generation to do so and fail. He's at it again to start off Season Three, making nanites that become sentient, and as we all know anything that becomes sentient is automatically angry, so they start to destroy the ship. I could write an episode of The Next Generation using that formula. It's part of my plan to make millions. He also does pretty well to fuck his Starfleet career up, including not reporting to Starfleet Academy at all, which Picard glosses over by giving him a field promotion to Ensign. . . at the same age most enlisted crewmembers would still be polishing their boots.
Let's rewind a little and talk about that. He meets The Traveler, who almost was Data and is now an attorney, but in canon was this mysterious Tau Alphan who gets sick by catapulting the Enterprise millions of light years away. Wesley, of course, is the only one who notices and also manages to decipher inhumanely complex warp equations to deduce that time and space are all one thing, or something like that. He doesn't even actually do anything to really "help" the Enterprise return to the right galaxy, just gets misty-eyed and understands things that no sixteen-year-old should. But of course that makes him like a Mozart of time and space and social ineptitude, so Picard makes him an "Acting Ensign", allowing him to fly the Federation flagship and have access to more ridiculous sweaters.
Going back to his ability to save the day at a moment's notice, Ensign Crusher meets Ensign Ashley Judd, who distinguished herself by befriending a tricorder and was probably at least five years older than Wesley. She also managed to somewhat save the ship without Wesley's help, although at least Geordi LaForge showed more technical aptitude than she did in that episode. But with her 103 of 102 laws to live by, Wesley and Wesley managed to team up and save the ship. . .from a mind-controlling video game! And then she was gone.
I should also mention that Wesley had by that point decided to demote himself and instead of, you know, continuing his career as a Starfleet officer, he was going to go to Starfleet Academy anyway, even though HE WAS A STARFLEET OFFICER! I thought that was how field commissions worked. Since he didn't report to the Academy the first time, Picard made him a real Ensign, denying him access to his sweaters and putting him in something more normal. I wonder if the Academy was pissed that he didn't report to them the first time. Maybe he saved the day at the Academy and they were so impressed they made him a. . .cadet. Hope the pay cut was worth it, Wes.
Some sort of sorcery was going on concerning Wesley and Starfleet Academy, because one year after he reported there, he was a member of the most elite flight squadron in the Academy and was about to graduate. This time, it was his ability to fuck everything up that won out, because he followed Tom Paris. . .er, Nicholas Locarno off a cliff and got one of his friends killed. That poor tricorder. He proceeds to train-wreck his way through that inquiry, before Picard gives him the second verse of his eponymous debut single. The Academy starts to hate Wesley Crusher too, revoking a years' worth of academic credits, which for Wesley was (should have been) ALL THE CREDITS. Actually, by that episode, everyone hated Wesley Crusher, including Wesley Crusher.
I will concede that by this point, Wesley had started to become more of a real character. He became the first person in Starfleet history to give up Starfleet after seeing dead people. . . er, getting a vision from the Traveler. He and the Traveler then went off and started Crusher and Traveler, LLC, a law firm in fluidic space, where he does have the time and inclination to explain himself to you.
Another reedeming factor to Wesley Crusher in my eyes is the fact that Wil Wheaton hates Wesley Crusher, citing most of the reasons I just cited with less rabid eloquence. And they treated him like shit.
I think that'll do it for today's rant. I hope you enjoy.
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